So in case you haven't noticed anything about me, I rarely rarely take anything seriously. My birthday is in less than a month (I already feel like I'm at that stage where I'm not excited to get older and I'm turning 23? I feel like an early bloomer and all the best years are behind me? Maybe I'm just going through a mid-life crisis and I should buy a convertible to drive to the grocery store like once a month. But also this would mean that I would only live until 46, but the world is basically dying in 7 years anyway. I picked a great time to pop out. I hope one of my past lives went better.)
So anyway, my dad was asking what I wanted for my birthday and naturally, I said a 'pony.' This isn't the first time I've asked for a pony. When I was 6, my dad kept asking if I wanted to start piano lessons and I said I wanted a pony. On exactly my 7th birthday, my father drove me to a "surprise." We did not go pick up a pony. We went to the local music equipment store to sign up for piano lessons. AND KEEP IN MIND THIS ISN'T EVEN MY ASIAN PARENT. THIS IS MY WHITE FATHER PULLING THIS BS. MY INDIAN MOTHER WAS NOT INVOLVED. Years later, I have chronic pain from piano and no unconditional love from a pet horse.
So anyway, my dad asked me what I wanted to name my horse, and I said "Gerrarium" like one of those glass containers with plants but with a "G." He asked me if I was going to enter Gerrarium into the Kentucky Derby and I said fuck yeah. Gerrarium is ready to go. Then, my father started fake announcing the Kentucky Derby - something like this:
FATHER: Gerrarium looks to be going backwards.
ME: Gerrarium would never. He would smoke these bitches.
FATHER: He is taking out all the other horses. Gerrarium is the last one standing. He's crossing the finish line! But he's broken both front legs and has to be put down.
Let's hold it right there.
How sad do you have to be to KILL YOUR DAUGHTER'S DREAM HORSE??? What the actual hell??? I had that horse for like FIVE MINUTES before my father MURDERED IT. I'm upset.
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