APP: Co — Star

Okay I'll be the first to admit that I have a love/hate relationship with Co-Star. Mainly hate though.

One night, after a particularly exciting film competition win, my roommate, Emily, recommended that I download Co — Star because "we needed to figure out what the heck was going on with me." In her defense, I was pacing a lot, screaming a lot, and drinking a fuck ton of Mountain Dew.

For those of you who don't know, Co — Star is a horoscope app that for some reason has the hardest to type punctuation mark in its title. All you do is put in your birthday with roughly the exact time you were born and it will give you a bunch of information, including your star chart, your zodiac sign, your sun and moon signs, and your ascendant sign. In case anyone wanted to know, I am a Libra which means that I am fundamentally oriented towards fairness and justice. I can get a lot done "typically well-dressed" which is a lie because I don't even know what pants are at this point. My moon is in Taurus which means that I am very romantic, sentimental, deeply loyal, and I try to maintain security and stability in relationships. And my ascendant is in Capricorn, which means I'm seen as serious, rational, and grave. Yikes!

Besides just the star chart, you get in-depth updates, which look like this:

(Ignore that my name is @mountaindew It was a time) (Speaking of this, I've been trying to drink Mountain Dew and it tastes distinctly like aspirin was dissolved in it? Like the after taste is really bad and I'm not sure why? Does anyone else feel this way?)

So, Co — Star always gives you a little saying, which are typically mean. Mine today is "Get curious about history" which is actually rather nice. Then, you get to see what things you have power in, pressure in, and trouble with. Okay, look: We're in a PANDEMIC. Of course I'm having trouble with a social life. And then you get more of a description of your challenges and what to think about.

A new thing that they added is your little 'Do's and 'Don't's on the home page, which look like this:

I'm supposed to be tickled but I'm not allowed to be with my own shadow? And what's wrong with toothpicks?

And then the other newly added detail is your friends. You can connect with people, see how compatible you are on a given day. It also tells you who you should speak to and what bitches to cut out (I actually really like Callie and Jasmine, so Co — Star is straight up wrong)

Now, it's a recurring joke among my friends that we all think my Co — Star is trying to kill me. For some reason, when most people get things like "Lean into your artistic side today" or something as their sayings, mine are more like "Hey you dumb fuck." But honestly, I could never delete this app. It's actually really fun. You get these wild sayings on a daily basis and they're incredibly fun to make fun of. Plus, Co — Star will occasionally give you tasks to do with specific friends, which are always fun and gives you an excuse to text people that you haven't connected with for a while (Remember: I'm an ascending capricorn. I keep hold of friendships tightly.) These have been some of my favorites:

And...

And.....

AND.....

I recommend that everyone download the app NOW. But all that being said... here is a compilation of the top 20 weird things that Co — Star has said to me because no one asked:

20. “You can’t learn everything you need to know about love without other people.” Thank you, Co — Star; I understand that I am single.

19. “You don’t have to punish yourself for not having love.” THANK YOU, CO — STAR; I UNDERSTAND THAT I AM SINGLE.

18. “Try fresh herbs.” No. Fuck you.

17. “Handle your shit.” Okay?

16. "Fuck what you know." OKAY.

15. “Your personal data does not belong to you.” Is this a public company statement?

14. “Your nervous system wasn’t designed for this world.” A little too late for that!

13. “Protect your neck.” FROM WHAT?

12. “You’re never really alone.” ARE YOU IN MY HOME?

11. “Dress up as 18th century French aristocrats and act like you’re entitled to everything.” Solid advice.

10. “Paint your initials in a heart on every boarded storefront around town.” NOT solid advice. This is illegal.

9. “Your body is a masterpiece of tissue engineering.” Did this not make it into "Your Body is a Wonderland"?

8. “Your body is a storage unit. There are many small compartments within that labyrinth.” Do you speak of the vagina?

7. “Do you steal other people’s thunder?” I-

6. “When you can really depend on someone, you won’t feel the need to possess them.” AM I A DEMON?

5. “If you exorcise your demons, your angels might leave too.” WHAT

4. “Charisma is your social life. You bathe your feet in the blood of your enemies.” I USE SOAP.

3. “Trees keep the old stumps of cut-down friends alive for hundreds of years by feeding them a sugar solution through their roots.” Update: My friends did not like the sugar solution. What do I try next?

2. “You love and are loved.” And then the next day, I got: “How does your baggage affect your ability to love and be loved.” WHAT DID I DO?

1. “The apocalypse is already here.” WHY ARE YOU COMING TO ME ABOUT THIS? TELL SOMEONE IN POWER. I also checked and this was December 10, 2019... the same month that COVID-19 was officially identified in China? Did... Did Co — Star predict COVID-19?

Genuinely, please download the app. It's chaos.