When we did William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet as our school play back in elementary school, every single girl wanted to be Juliet. They wanted to be the romantic lead, swept off her feet by Leonardo DiCaprio. And me? Well, I wanted to be Juliet's cousin, Tybalt. Mainly because he got to be angry and carry a sword, which was secretly my aesthetic. I wasn't the only one. This was the time of recess and cooties, and no guy wanted to be Romeo. Therefore, when it came time for auditions for Tybalt, all of the guys stood up and walked outside to the waiting area. All of the guys... and me. Outside, there was probably one decent guy who wished me good luck, while all the other guys said that a girl couldn't play Tybalt. (I mean, if we're getting technical, in Shakespeare's time, a girl couldn't even play Juliet.) According to my friends, I basically scared everyone in the class with my audition and I got the part!
I was thinking about Romeo & Juliet the other day and I dug out my old elementary school copy:
(Why did we do this to our book spines by the way?)
And I thought about how stupid the story was. We start out with two households, both alike in dignity, who are in the middle of a family feud.
No. Not that one.
But we never find out what this feud is. Was Lady Capulet supposed to marry Lord Montague? Did Tybalt spoil the last season of Game of Thrones for Benvolio? Did someone cut someone in line at Rapiers R Us? What's the deal?
Then, you have this character of Romeo who is in love with Rosaline, Juliet's cousin. He ends up going to the ball at the Capulet house because he hopes to see Rosaline. However, of course, he meets Juliet, who is essentially just his rebound. First, Rosaline is the love of his life and then he sees Juliet and suddenly she's the love of his life? I'm sorry but that's shady af. Ladies, take note. Also, Romeo, bro, maybe try PICKING A DIFFERENT FAMILY. I'm sure there are other people in fair Verona, where we lay our scene.
After meeting and falling in love with Juliet after a scene or so, he breaks into her family's orchard and listens to her speak her heart out from a balcony. That's kind of creepy, no? Like just cough or something and let me know you're there before I start divulging all these personal secrets about how much I had a crush on David Henrie from Wizards of Waverly Place as a kid. "Romeo, Romeo, give me some fucking space, Romeo."
Anyway, after one single day, they decide that they are in love and that they're going to get married. Now, I myself have been feeling a little blue about how it feels like a bizarre number of people my age are getting married or having children, so I also might jump into marriage a little quick. But definitely not after a day! They barely know each other! Why don't we take a sec before deciding we're in love enough to kill ourselves? Juliet, I know you just met Romeo, but have you met Ben & Jerry's Phish Food? It's great. Why don't you take a couple of hours, finish off a pint, and then we'll see if this whole thing is worth it. Have you even talked about living together? Is Romeo willing to take out the trash? Help with laundry? Are the family reunions gonna be awkward when he sees his ex, Rosaline?
In all fairness, the idea of young love is not lost on me, and I understand Romeo & Juliet falling in love so quickly. What I don't understand are these terrible adults around these children! I mean, Romeo & Juliet's parents are real pieces of work, but the Nurse and Friar Laurence are kind of the worst? People always tell a 'trusted adult' if you need help, but not these fools! Friar Laurence is supposed to be a 'wise advisor' but he literally has no good ideas ever. You don't need him! When Juliet goes to the Friar, his big idea is to fake her death with a potion that will make her appear like she's dead. WHY WOULD HE EVEN HAVE THAT? What about just helping her run away? Alive? Or even saying, "Romeo, I know things look bad. But have you heard of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream?" Literally, he's shocked when Romeo comes to him, asking for him to marry him and Juliet, since Romeo was just in love with Rosaline. But he's like "aight, at least he moved on." THIS IS NOT VEGAS, FRIAR.
Also, the whole communication issue between Romeo & Juliet with the whole faking death thing was an absolute mess. Couldn't someone just leave a note on the crypt that says something like "Hey, Romeo. I'm not dead. This is another one of Friar Laurence's not well-thought out plans. Just take a sec and I'll wake up. While you're waiting, maybe take a moment to reflect if this is all even worth it? We literally just met. P.S. Who's this bitch, Rosaline?"
I got a lot of questions, Willy Shakes.
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